Take away the power. Don't contact him. You're clearly conflicted in your thoughts towards him, and I personally would just not bother to try and sort those thoughts out, because I'll never know. All I'd know is that he did NOT make me feel good, at all, and that continued contact is just making me feel worse. Why keep adding poison into your life? You have a boyfriend, and this other guy is clearly never going to be actual friends with you - you don't trust him so there will never be anything there. Continuing contact is just salt on wounds.. you aren't going to get the answers that you want.