Thank you, people for all your contribution.

For the life of me I cannot get to the core of this urge in me but I do need a clear and adaptable mental model of what's going on with me. I guess finding the appropriate terms would give me the basis for my research and some control over this mayhem... Hence my fondness of diagnosis...

I have to say, the borderline part of me is profound, genuine and majorly significant. I do get overwhelmed. I do get suicidal. I get into a self-harming frenzy. I also fall apart enough to post terribly lame cries of despair here. Cries to which I cannot accept any comforting responses - I am actually nauseated by the "hugs"...

I do have major identity issues. I do end up being psychotic when I push myself. I do hear malevolent growls, I am in an eternal dance with a possessive "presence" and I consult my dog on a regular basis about whether the pony in my bedroom is real or not.

With all that said, I know, I just know that I am f***ing brilliant! That no matter how ****, down, misunderstood, unrecognized I feel, I am actually quite damn brilliant.

I will not repeat what I said in my OP but I am plagued by the realization. Yes, I did use, gut, and discard men.

I guess I am posting because I have come to the understanding that bpd and narc traits have had just about equal influence on my life and in many ways it is actually down to me which part I might allow to win.

I do have a powerful sense of entitlement and grandiosity. I do have very limited ability to identify with people I perceive as inferior. That said, I am able to experience "cerebral empathy" - identifying with people's pain and distress, provided that they aren't in any way involved with me.

Well...

I intend to carry on talking. I do wish to find out whether my diagnosis is actually correct but beyond all; I wish to be a happy person with some significance.

I am very curious about finding out whether a fully fledged bpd person with well recognized narc traits has the chance to make a choice and shift their values from "victim" to "being in control".

Please chip in.