Hello.

who am I? What am I? what if I have emotions, but don't know it? What if I swore a vow to never cry again, or show vunerablilty (makes it easier for them to attack) and haven't been able to cry since(46 years)? but feel that that control is slipping.

Alone in a crowd/in company? that's me.
feel like throwing in the towel (the S word)? that's me. (side note I found out as a teen, and later in my 30's that I am physically incapable of it.)
and a bunch more stuff that will have to be dragged out of me kicking and screaming because I cant/wont/don't know how to talk about it.

and psych eval? I wish! had one for SSI, and first thing she asked me was if I felt that I could do myself or others harm, with a theat of calling the police!

who is gonna be honest after that?
so yea, I got issues. got to me so bad today that I actually called the national crises hotline to ask them two very important questions:

am I having a crises?
am I suicidal?

I have no idea and no clue as to weather I am or not. (we spoke for 4 hours) but she did tell me that I am right in thinking that I am headed for some kind of breakdown, and she admitted that she feared for my future safety. got no idea what she meant tho. in fact, she said she would call tomorrow, and I don't know if that is good or bad?

I am literally drowning in a morass of the space between a rock and a hard place where what little hope or dreams you might think you have gets dashed to pieces on the rocks of despair.

2 personal quotes:

"there is no such thing as love"
"what is hope that those who need it the most are forever denied it"