Hi Laverne and welcome!

I so understand what you're talking about. I've been there, more than a few times.

I'll never forget once talking with our local pastor and realizing that I'd been doing some heavy blaming for some issues that had occurred. I didn't understand...still don't.

I was raised to believe it a sin to question, or show any distaste, upset, anything negative in prayer/communication.

I related that to the pastor when he suggested screaming it out, getting it out, having it out.

He went on to explain that it's OK to question. Alot of times we find the only explanation we can have on this earth by doing that. He was so right.

My anger had built a big wall. When I was able to get the "yuck" out, I was able to view things around me differently. I had to make a conscious decision to do that, though. Boy, was it hard because there had been so much yuck and it seemed that's all I could see!

For instance, instead of looking out and seeing just another dreary, cloudy day, I could see the sun peeking through and that was my focus as opposed to the cold clouds. I literally went looking for what I call blessings in my life. When I did, I found it...literally everywhere from the health of my children to the lily's blooming in my front yard.

Went I went in a search for my personal blessings to try to find the closeness again, I found them almost everywhere around me. I pointed them out to myself and gave thanks. That's when they began to shine on their own to me. It wasn't a struggle anymore. It was a double gift to myself as well, because as I did this the situational depression that had enveloped me began to diminish.

I think what I've stated here could apply to most beliefs; no matter the higher power, or influence, in our lives.

I wish you well and so understand the place that you're in. I wish you peace soon with something I struggle with off and on as well. Right now, again, I'm having to force myself to look for blessings because they're not the first thing that I see even though they're there.

KD