I could be way off but do you check out what you "think" your son's motivations are with him---by asking him why he makes certain choices? And what does he dream of for himself? Good for you and husband for seeking help; it sounds like your son needs someone just for himself also. My son went through a rough few years and is moving on towards good, healthy goals while still struggling with a few things, I have been impressed with how he has handled some recent set backs and know he will be okay...(whew)...but I know now that he was holding a lot inside when younger, I guessed it at the time but it just wasn't possible for him to be open with me (although I admit he was quite open in giving me information) re: his issues with me at the time; we both read a lot into what the other was doing and why....and we were both often wrong. The communication is steadily improving over time, and he has developed good, healthy friends whose opinions he truly values (& in fact has told me that although some of his old friends are like brothers in the sense that he can always go to them or them to him without any recriminations, he is Glad that his new friends would not be so forgiving if he were to do some of the stupid things he did in the past; he wants to be held to a higher, healthier standard.) There is much to hope for here as you have all struggled and are willing to keep on struggling together. Best to you all!!! Let us know how it goes...and time, it will take time...and that is okay.