I've been feeling down now for quite a while now, stupid things realy, and mostly just whining. Just a lot of rambelling, need to get some of it out.

I can't realy seem to have any sort of relationsship with people in real life. Once we get to know each other I suddenly feel trapped, scared and kind of panicking, which makes me angry at the person and I can be realy mean. Of course then they stop wanting to be my friend, and I feel free for a day or so and then I just get so sad and miss them, and hate myself for everything I've done.

I'm seventeen years old and I feel like I've lived for ever, I can't think about the future with myself in it. Sometimes I'm so scared I'll die and noone will have known me.

I hate my mother for all that she has done to me, but still I can't stand up to her and instead I and do everything possible to please her. I feel so little compared to her, when I'm alone I make all sorts of plans of how to strike back, but in reality I can't even speak to her without shaking. I find that I'm beginning to have this problem with a lot of people. I always need to please them and feel I have to serve them. I know it's myself making me feel that way but I still get realy angry at people who make me feel like that.

Sometimes I act realy childish, and I find that very humiliating, and I have no idea why I do it. I will just start playing, or drawing pictures of stick people and houses. Sometimes even my handwriting looks like a childs even though it is usually quite neat.

I've been having a lot of trouble with flashbacks and bad sleep because of PTSD, and I'm so sick of the past hauting me all the time, but it won't go away.

I can't picture the futur, my past won't stay in the past and my present is just lifeless. There's only me, who I don't even like or understand. I've tried all my life to see the good things and to stay happy because I didn't like sadness and I got realy good at making my own little world a paradise, but it's gone now, I'm tired of keeping up the walls. I'm so mad at myself for being like this, but I don't know how to keep believing in the good.