last day in our apartment..and instead of doing something fun, like sex, I somehow started the conversation about hardships of moving, and we got from there to talking about our lives in general...and i got depressed...i asked her why is she keepin up with me, being that im broke and to make it all more pathetic, 2 days prior to us moving (because I lost my job) my car died......she kept talking all these really nice things about goals in life, moving step by step and basically she was talking all the things a nice girlfriend would say...

i didnt say too much, i couldn't really say anything...but all the dark thoughts clouded my mind again...as she was talking...she even asked me to say if i had the same goals or similar goals....but the thing is i dont have goals....i'm afraid of commiting, hence I don't want to get married....i don't want my parents to give me half of their house, that would corner me in - i would need to adapt to the fact that I'm their neighbor for ever...

but the worst thing is....as much as I don't want those things, I don't do anything to get on my own two feet...I don't consider living with my gf any accomplishment...fact still remains, Im broke...Im 30 without a house or a car and I keep dreaming about being independent but i dont have the responsibility to really go after it...because I think it would take away from my leisure time, i don't know, im a mess...