You have real reasons to worry. I don't have children, myself, and am no expert on raising them. It does seem more than a little odd that your son is able to have pot around your house and that this is okay with you . . . or has been. If he's still in high school, that's kind of young to be substance abusing with a green light from parents. Pardon me, if I'm misinterpreting what you convey.

At this stage, it is late to stop him from smoking MJ, but you can say that it's not okay for him to bring it into the house. What do you do when you find pot in his room? Do you give it back to him, or do you throw it out? Where does he get the money to buy pot with?

He doesn't sound like a bad kid; he probably is a sweet kid. It sounds like he truly is very lonely. He doesn't seem too thrilled with his current companions, which is kind of a good sign. I don't think becoming real authoritarian is going to get you far in helping him. He's too old for that, now. Maybe you and your husband could schedule more time to spend with him doing something as a family. Maybe go to some special place, or out to eat together. Is he required to be home for supper? That might be a place to start. It sounds like he is wandering around too much on his own without direction. Maybe offer to watch a movie he likes with him, and then discuss the movie.

Lecturing him on how he is fouling up his life probably won't accomplish much. He's just too old for that. Keep the communication lines open. If you're a good listener, he probably wants to be listened to. I wouldn't make going on the school trip contingent on anything else. I wouldn't look at it as a privilege. He needs to do that, as much as he needs to study. Too bad there weren't more school trips. While he's on the trip, he may be safer from mischief.

It's good to bounce things off the GP and psychologist, but I doubt they have any easy answers. You might better talk to parents of kids who are doing well and find out what they are doing right. You and your husband sound like nice people who intend the best. You are on way too much of a guilt trip over your past problems. Nothing in your past disqualifies you from being a good mom. Don't concern yourself with what your son's companions might, or might not, have said about you. That's their business.

Be sure your son has some responsibilities around the house. Praise him for the help he gives you, and don't hesitate to ask him for some extra help once in a while. Tell him that, although much in your life didn't go right, you are glad to be the mother of him and that he is a source of satisfaction to you. (It doesn't sound like he is a true jerk.) Kids want so badly to believe that they matter positively to someone, especially kids not blessed with the best circle of friends.

Leaving that pot out on the desk for you to find several days in a row sounds like he is giving you a message. Just tell him that you don't want pot brought into your home. If you find it, throw it out. He'll still smoke it away from home, but it won't be practically with your blessing. I can see parents of a kid over 18 letting their kid have the occasional beer with the family. I've known spectacularly successful kids whose parents have allowed that. The nonchalance in your house about the pot though sounds excessive. Make sure that neither you, nor your husband, are over-indulging in alcohol.

If you have been "unreliable" as a mother, I assume you have been working on correcting that. Kids don't have to have perfect parents; no kid does. They do have to see you struggling to do what is hard to do in life, just getting through the ups and downs. If you have regrets about how you handled some things, I think it can be okay to talk that out with your son.

I hope he does get to stay in soccer. Maybe be pro-active and talk to the school and ask if they see a problem. Then, before he gets thrown out of soccer, make a plan with him and the school to keep him in. If they are getting ready to toss him out, offer to help with a probation to keep him in, with him agreeing to do what it takes. Maybe he should do his homework at the dining room table, rather than in his room. I believe kids need some privacy, but you might be giving him a little too much. It should be okay for you to knock on his bedroom door, when he doesn't expect it, and just pop in and say "I'm just coming by to see how your making out with the evening's school work. Let's see what you're working on."

Parenting sounds like a major challenge in the world of today. Good luck.