Maybe you've heard the terms "cabin fever" or "stir crazy"? The syndrome that happens when people are too socially isolated and lack supportive social structures in which they can feel truly at home and validated for who they are?

Outside of work (in which I really don't get to often use the specific skills I enjoy using the most, and have to adjust to an environment which I find rather taxing, although I am extremely well regarded and treated there), the only group of people who I get to interact with often and who share many of my interests and values, is PC and an arts site I also belong to. I think this is beginning to really get to me. I am beginning to experience a lot of self-doubts, even questioning at times my own lifelong interests and beliefs central to my character, in ways I never expected. I feel like I am having a midlife crisis, identity crisis, and meanings crisis all rolled up into one, and it is NOT getting any better. Meds have proven utterly useless and therapy has been somewhat effective but just not enough. I need to create real CHANGE.

I find I can manage to feel utterly horribly alone even amongst large groups of people anymore. I used to get off work (where I, the introvert, am obliged to be extraverted) and just coccon for a while to readjust ... now I am craving to get online just so I have some like-minded people to talk to. I am beginning to dislike being alone, which is unusual for me - I am usually fine with either solitude or socializing, as long as I get a bit of both in my day. I am beginning to pine for people whose company I like. I even caught myself talking to myself the other day, which totally freaked me out!

Here's the thing though - I have had a form of social phobia for many years, which I experience as a deep fear of never finding my "social niche", and always "failing with people" - I expect to hear "No" an awful lot. I expect to ... well, never be needed (in a healthy way, not codependent) in ways I want to be needed ... so I just don't even think of finding that special group of people I really crave to have in my life. I feel utterly socially disconnected and yet I don't bother lifting a finger to change it. I used to think "that is hard", NOW I think "tough luck guy, it just ain't gonna happen." I'm not sure how to actually go out and create the social life I need ... and it is making me feel ... well, no longer like myself.

Right now, everything about my life feels somehow deeply WRONG. My job, my location, being so socially out of touch. I think I need a whole life makeover. I'm not even sure where to start, HOW to start. On occasion I almost want to go ANYWHERE else with a few hundred in my pocket and a single suitcase and just start life all over again, and get it RIGHT this time. It all feels so impossible I am getting seriously demoralized by it. I have "reality checked" with other people in their 40s and 50s and was surprised to find many people feel exactly as I do.

By the way - I don't feel depressed per se, I am still mood reactive and keep thinking of things I truly enjoy, I just feel horribly STUCK.

How do I break this pattern of isolating and just giving up on anything better? I'm growing way too accustomed to it. It needs to STOP.