One of the biggest questions i have right now, is how do i get people to accept me for being me? all my life i have had to keep secrets, witness things that i have had to bury deep inside myself. i have hidden behind a mask for so long, abiding by other peoples rules, liking what i think i should like, being who i think i should be. and led in bed last night, i was thinking... now i am dropping the mask, and allowing the real Simon Watts to surface, how do i get people to accept me for being me and to not keep trying to change me.

my family are all the same as eachother, they all agree with the same things, such as drinking yourself stupid, clubbing, even things like the same sort of music. all things that the real me detests! i am so different to them, i would say im stronger, more unique. most of the times i appreciate it, but today and yesterday has been different. i feel frustrated, because i am so unique (good or bad, im not to judge!) that i feel millions of miles away from everyone in my life. nobody i know shares my opinions, my likes, my dislikes. nobody respects me for who i am, instead, all they do is try to change me. thankfully i am strong enough to not let it happen, to continue being myself, against all odds. but some days it is so hard, and i just cry out for someone to just agree and support me. i can only do so much on my own.

and, as if by shear coincidence, i have just had a conversation with my sister and her friend who are staying around my place. her and her friend asked what i did for new year, and i said "nothing, i stayed in" which sparked a conversation between the two of them, and my sister was telling her friend how i dont drink, smoke etc and they were calling me boring, saying that they will take me out and take me to a pub and get me drunk. it got me thinking, why cant they respect i dont drink, and instead of condemning it and trying to change me, but to just say 'fair enough, i respect that'. WHY do i have to explain myself to them, WHY do i have explain my reasons for not drinking, WHY cant they appreciate that i am different, WHY do i need changing. the answer to all those is that i dont have to, i dont have to change, nor do i explain myself. but they sit there and look at me like im dirt, scum, something they would scrape off their shoes, as if im an alien. i suppose i am an alien to them, i am to everyone in my life because i am so different. i have so much depth to my character, that it would take ages for someone to get to know me truly. i wont drink for their sake, and i told them that. i was trying to be as polite as one can be, and i firmly said "it wont happen, i dont drink. end of!". to which they laughed, and the judging continued. all i had to do is to leave the room, to detatch myself once again, and retreat to my room where i have been for 2 days. alone. i know it sounds sad, maybe it is. but at least when im in my room it is my space, my only space in the world where i can relax, and be surrounded by the things i love, such as the music i love. but i am alone, and sometimes i cant face my own company. i have no friends because no one accepts that i am myself, and all they do is try to change me, and judge me. i would rather be alone than be one of them. i would rather be alone and be myself, than be shallow, someone who has tons of friends who arent actually friends, who only like you because you perform, you act as a character they want to act as. i dont want that, i never will. i know everyone isnt like that, and there are so many people out there who are similar to me, i only have to look at PC for that truth, but here, where i am, is lonely, and this town is populated with so many people who are so far from me, i doubt i will ever be connected with them. the only way i connect with others is through song. again, something no one around here shares, because they openly admit they dont like the music i like.

they will never see me for what i am, maybe it was my fault for leaving it 19 years to be my true self. who knows. to them i will always be a "wierdo", a "freak", an "alien", "boring". the ironic thing is, those were the names i was called when i wasnt being myself, when i was an alien to myself. i feel so detatched from the human race, the only thing that keeps me grounded is PC. in everyday life i always seem to be outside looking in, whereas with PC i am on the inside, and am able to observe the outside world. maybe thats why i class the members here at PC family, and not the people who populate my everyday life.

i will never change being myself, not now i have discovered myself. i will never BE what they want me to be, or DO what they want me to. i will always believe in what i have faith in, and i will stick to that too. my likes and dislikes may change with age, i can accept that. but i will never be influenced by people who arent happy with me being me. i can accept criticism, but only from those who are my friends.

i just always ask, how do i make them see me for me, and not change me? to just accept me and be proud of me for who i am, not what i am. to not change me, or alienate me for not being a sheep, for not following the crowds. sure, im glad i am an individual, but a one man war gets tiring sometimes, and it is a very lonely place. i long for someone to see me, to love me for me, and to not change me. i just hope it isnt far away.

simon