You shouldn't want to be anything you are not and you just aren't a rude person. You really sound depressed, of course, I'm not an expert or doctor, so it is only the opinion of a depressed person, that does the same thing.

If you don't already have a psychiatrist, I suggest you see one. An anitdepressant could make your outlook totally different.

I had some advise given to me during a really tough time I was having. She told me to "never let them see you sweat". I found as long as I never let my enemy see me break down, then I am strong. In your case being strong = putting on a happy face.