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I will not repeat what I said in my OP but I am plagued by the realization. Yes, I did use, gut, and discard men.
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Why plagued by it? Why not just accept that this is a part of your nature and just work with it instead of being haunted by it?
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I am very curious about finding out whether a fully fledged bpd person with well recognized narc traits has the chance to make a choice and shift their values from "victim" to "being in control".
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You can make a choice, that's the beauty of life. You always have choices. You don't have to be a victim to the BPD part of you, it takes hard work to break free from that **** but it can be done. If you want to do it then do it.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you're having trouble with "integrating" your BPD side and your NPD side, so to speak?