I have made a topic recently so I'm sorry if creating a new one in short succession is frowned upon, but I just sort of wanted to thrash this out (there is a bit of overlap).


My Dr (general practitioner) has strongly recommended that I start seeing a T again. He’s aware that I’m reluctant and has told me to think about it over the next month until I see him again for a review on my new dose of medication.

Writing about my feelings and state of well being is not a general issue for me (as at least I can quantify and put things into some semblance of sense) but talking is. I erect walls I guess and find it very hard to talk to anyone (which includes professionals)... and I end up only giving up segments of my issues while in my mind it’s like a whirlwind of activity.

I quite literally bottle everything up... be it having a bad day, having a confrontation, feeling low for no particular reason etc and it was only till this year that I’ve started talking to my wife when she can see on my face something is wrong (whereas I used to retreat to my spot in the house and just stare at her if she came through to talk). It was for this reason that she went to see the Dr with me since she could cut the crap as it were and give it to him straight.

For part of last year and early part of this year I did agree to see a T... which was broken up with one leaving after 8 sessions and the other leaving 6 or so sessions in. The latter advised that I should be ok... but therein lies my problem... I talked about the symptoms I guess (erratic mood swings, frustration) and was given CBT techniques to deal with those. This has been good for the purpose of keeping a handle on stress and social interactions... but not the crux of my depression and I suppose self esteem issues.

I guess I have trust problems and also I question everything... quite a cynical person and I read a lot into the why of things “Why are they using that technique?” “Why have they used that terminology?” “Are they mocking my intelligence?”... and sometimes stupidly thinking they should be mind readers as I know what I’m feeling yet not saying and they are going off down a road that isn’t that important to me.

Perhaps I just want to be angry, alone and miserable and silently confrontational (as in not saying anything but in my head I'm going 'no, no, no')... or that in itself could be part of the spiral I’m in.

I hate my depression with a passion and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to break the cycle (the medication helps, but it would be nice to not be dependent on that)... I get so confused with it and overwhelmed by negative thoughts... plus it sucks dry my motivation for day to day activities.

Probably answering my own question by saying the following but perhaps it might be useful to write things down and just hand that to the T so they at least have something clear and concise to work with? Never really thought of that (stupid really... duh)