Hi everyone,

I'm just going to speak my mind. I have a lot on my mind right now - please, reply in whatever way(s) you can. I don't care if you disagree, agree - are in between - have something to bash me about - just please reply. (Thanks in advance.)

I have had a diagnosis for Borderline Personality Disorder - for 3.5 years now.

The diagnosis is without any shred of doubt - accurate.

My symptoms come and go. My triggers seem to be (for the most part) all related to relationships, how I perceive those relationships, how I handle them - how I am treated, how I treat others, etc...

Essentially - the cure to my problems seems to be: If someone could fill the hole in my heart. (Because this is impossible, and unhealthy if and when it almost [but never] comes true - I realize I will always have Borderline tendencies)

Anyways, I am wondering if people can explain their manic episodes in detail. I am only looking for things that I can relate to. I will try and explain down below what I've experienced in the past.

After an extremely emotional time, and sometimes during - I can access a creative part of me. I know it is my need to express my feelings - being that words never seem to do them full justice... But sometimes I feel like I can go a little too far, think too much, believe that I have abilities when really I don't...

Anyways, I listen to music to escape. I write while I listen to music. Sometimes I'll write nonstop - I'll get compelled by a philosophical mode of thinking, a specific topic, or something that I just want to explore. Most times it has to do with trying to justify behavior, actions, thoughts, perceptions - the ways in which our minds work... It's quite obscene that I think of these things when I'm in creative mode as my dream is to be a filmmaker - and most times I find myself writing screenplays to pass the lonely times... However, when my creative juices are flowing in these precious times - I always seem to expand on the meaning of life...


Anyways, I will write on one thing. I will get a rush from out of nowhere - that rush will continue to embed itself in my writing - in my exploring. Suddenly I think I've discovered a truth about reality, or a truth about whatever it is that I'm expanding on... I'll think that I have found something so completely truthful - that if I were to hand it in to my university teacher - I would suddenly become one with the ranks of the highest professors in the country, perhaps even the world... Perhaps even teach a class, or design a course on a specific mode of thinking. Perhaps, [like the other day] I will design a new treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder... It's amazing how quickly I make this shift in cognition. It's like - I am so completely affected by my external environment - that I can occasionally - learn to control my external environment, in such a way, so as to foster an inner need for acceptance to such an extent - that I can actually [temporarily] become that which I am in fact: not... (That would be a secure, whole individual) I cannot do it all the time - it seems to be dependent on several things...

I have, however, noticed that my ability to reach that heightened feeling of self confidence - [I'll call it euphoria] - is best and most likely to occur - when I have a combination of situations or circumstances [outside of my direct control] - that benefit my inner yearning for love and acceptance from my family, my peers - and from those I hold in the highest esteem. As in: My borderline, the reasons why I experience it - the feeling that I am unloved, that I am unaccepted and will forever be alone and miserable... As soon as I feel as though those {BORDERLINE NEEDS} are met - I become unstoppable. I mean - I am literally a genius.

Then there's the whole idea of a self-fulfilling prophecy: That if, "I," believe I am brilliant - I actually am - brilliant... It's a scary proposition... One of my psychiatrists told me that I would make a great actor... Perhaps this is what he was alluding to. Everyone has a gift that is also a burden. Perhaps mine is that I can be whatever I want to be...

But if I can, so can anyone else... Right?

If my potential is being hampered because I feel like I am unworthy of love, then my potential will never come to fruition. But if I can indirectly lie to myself, by coming to adopt a self-fulfilling prophecy - allowing myself, (FOR ONCE, EVEN TEMPORARILY) to love myself - then suddenly I am able to live up to my fullest potential...

In saying this, is it fair to say that perhaps - lying to oneself - is actually one of the best things, we as human beings, [stuck in the fog of self deception] can do? (Being that, we are all really - in such a low, depressed and lonely existence)?

My therapists always tells me to, "Find that inner strength..." That - my need for acceptance from others - will never actually become a reality. Because in truth - no one has the ability to fill me up... Only, "I," DO...

In accepting that my greatest weakness can never be alleviated from external forces, it will allow me to bypass years of searching for it outside myself - and I can use it, befriend it - and lie to myself... And if by doing so - it enables a side of me that is only ever available when my need for acceptance from external forces is met - then the benefits FAR outweigh the costs...

Could this be how we learn to love ourselves? By, "accepting," that which is never going to happen - and learning to provide the same level of support we spend our entire lives searching for in other [external things]?

Am I right? Anyone else relate to this? I have a feeling this is only [my] way of helping myself from within... The notion of lying to oneself in order to help oneself - and bring out the potential one has within - it's terrible... But is it necessary if it works?

Thanks,
HD7970Ghz