I can also relate to not showing any emotions. I hope I don't bore you to death with psychology lingo, but what you're experiencing is called "dissociation of affect" which basically means being separated from your emotions. Abuse is a powerful emotional experience to say the least. As a child, shutting off those feelings was probably one of the ways you learned to cope with them. When the feelings are too much for you to process at the time, you just close down on them. Easing into feeling again is the key.

For me, I started with my therapist about 2 years ago, but I haven't had continuous therapy since then. On and off. But when I wasn't in therapy, I was still working on my issues. (I'm a psychology major, so that helps). I'm starting to have more feelings. For me, it has come naturally. As I grow and develop in the therapy process, those feelings just sort of "trickle in." Sometimes my therapist tells me to follow a feeling that sort of appears for the first time, and I'm unable to follow it. It quickly shuts off. Then, I fear she will be angry with me or tired of patiently waiting for me to have feelings. But she specializes in working with abuse, and she knows why the feelings aren't always there. She always tells me to trust my own mind, that it will give me the feelings when I'm ready. And if I'm not feeling them, it's because I'm not ready to. I think she's right. Because they are hard to process. You forget how powerful those feelings once were when you realize them again.

Some of the things I've done include writing- especially letters to people, or to myself, or poetry, only when I have time to be completely alone for a while. The important thing when you do this is to not censor yourself. You might feel guilty or think what you're writing is stupid, but let yourself write it. If it helps, keep in mind that after you're done if you can't stand to look at what you wrote, you can destroy it. OR you can share it with your therapist. That way you can start to have feelings when you are away from him/her and may feel safer, and introduce those feelings into therapy slowly. I'm still at that point. Having feelings in front of her is hard. Another thing that's been helping me lately is to draw. I am NOT an artist. I started out just coloring blobs of color or stick figures. I bought a box of crayons and whatever feeling I had at the time (or even whatever feeling I hoped to find inside of me, but couldn't find) would guide me. Sometimes I would just stare at the crayon box until I had a feeling about which color to use. I've used things other than crayons, but you get the idea. Once, to avoid self-injury, I got out a magazine and cut out pictures of body parts that seemed to me to express something (I can't put words to what they express just yet). That was helpful for me. Another thing I suggest is listening to music that has some depth, and some feelings. Alanis Morissette is GREAT for listening to because she sings about some of those feelings. Mostly her less well-known songs are the good ones. If you'd like me to send you a cd with some songs that have helped me, you can PM your po box and I'll send it to you for free. Finally, my latest thing- I was child in the 80s and you may have noticed all the 80s toys coming back these days. I bought several toys similar to the ones I had as a child. I just hold them, I don't feel childish enough to play with them. But they help me connect with the child I used to be. I also bought two care-bears movies at Walmart for $5. It may sound strange, but acting like a child helps me feel like a child and it brings up old feelings a little at a time. I don't know when you were a child, but maybe you could find some vintage stuff from your "era" and enjoy that.

I hope you'll find something in this message that helps! Take care of yourself the best you know how to do, okay?
If it's ok with you --> (((((((((((((((((((((((esthersvirtue))))))))))))))))))

SweetCrusader

"Blessed be the cracked, for they let in the light"
-Author Unknown