I think the problem is that we forget we aren't who we appear to be, we are who we are. If we get hung up on "facts" about us, "good mother," "warm," "funny," "smart," etc. then we identify with the identity instead of just being. If we act like a "good mother" around other mothers and a "good client" with our T, a "good wife" with our husband, etc. what happens when more than one role, sometimes conflicting (good mother and good wife can conflict, for example) comes together? :-)

I try to remember to go "in" and "search my heart" instead of looking out and assuming one of my roles to act like I think "they" out there want me to act. It's very hard to do. I remember when my T was teaching me and it would make me so anxious because it took me so long (because I was anxious so couldn't think/hear what "myself" had to say to me :-) but looking at how you actually feel in any situation and working from the inside out, instead of the outside out, helps there not be a split and it gets easier to just "live" instead of trying to figure out what I'm "supposed" to do in a situation. It's nice when people compliment me but I don't go looking for it anymore. It doesn't come from "out there" but from my knowledge about myself. Other people only confirm what I already know about myself :-)