i miss my t. it is strange because when i see him i feel really very ambivalent. i'm really happy to see him. but i'm really frightened of seeing him too. i worry that i'm transparent and that sometimes he catches glimpses of what is inside me. and that he will feel disgusted / repulsed. but then he will mask that 'cause he is such a nice guy. but that he will struggle with those feelings anyway. i find it really hard to connect. in general, i guess. but in therapy everything is all amped up in terms of intensity. so the fears that i have more generally irl are concentrated in therapy. i think i push people away. so they don't have to deal with the feelings of disgust. i miss him though. even though i can't remember what he looks like or even the sound of his voice. i feel sad.