This is kind of hard for me to write about, and embarrassing to admit, so please be gentle with me guys....

I really hate this about myself but for whatever reason, I have this neurosis where I feel like I constantly have to appear really happy to people, and like I've "got it together". If anybody ever asks me "what's wrong" or "you seem upset" I get really shaken up inside. It just makes me feel really exposed.

It's frustrating because I see other people and how they act, and they all seem so open and comfortable with their feelings and thoughts, whereas I feel like I struggle to even be aware of myself and what I'm feeling sometimes. Sometimes I even feel like kind of a fake because I don't show my feelings much and I feel like people never really know what's going on with me...

My younger co-worker today asked me if I was alright, that I "looked sick". It was only after she said that that I became aware of the nausea I was feeling because of some bad cookies I ate (and had no breakfast this morning). But also I just feel....sick of my job, sick of my life. Almost like a soul sickness. I don't know how to describe this to people. I guess I am depressed because I feel a lack of spirituality or meaning in my life, so no matter how much I work, do well at school, be a good sister/daughter/worker/artist whatever...I just always feel so empty and sad...

Sorry this post is so long. I just needed to let this out. Please be kind guys....feeling fragile now....

~Alma