Hi everyone, I'm new to these forums.

I am a 29 year old single mother of one wild and crazy 6 year old boy.

I have suffered from depression since I was 12 years old, but over the last 9 months, my depression has taken control.

Just over a year ago I left my husband due to repeated infidelity. At first I thought I was recovering and moving on from that experience, but the first 2-3 months of feeling "ok", I began to have bad days. I think they must have started in January or February.

Around July I realized that I had been having more bad days and bad weeks (and bad months...) than good ones, and I began to understand that I was no longer in control of my depression. I began experiencing severe anxiety attacks over the summer, and have been off work since July because of this.

Recently I was hospitalized for 20 days for depression and suicidal thoughts. I'm back home now, and while I can admit that I feel a lot better than I felt 20+ days ago, I'm still struggling.

Tonight is hard. I don't know why, I haven't had any triggers. My anxiety feels like a crushing weight on my chest. I've taken my anti-anxiety meds, but they haven't done a lot to slow down the rushing, whirlwind thoughts in my head. It's midnight, and I don't imagine I'll be getting to sleep any time soon, even though I've been up since 7am.

Any other sleepless souls out there tonight?

I am feeling very frustrated that after more than a year, I have made no forward progress. I feel like I'm in the deepest pit I have ever been in, and despite all the support that I have, I don't feel like I can get out. No one has a ladder long enough to reach me.
I feel so isolated in a world full of people who care about me and are checking up on me almost daily. I can't even answer their texts, because what do you say? "I've actually fallen back down into the pit, but don't worry about me, I'm sure I'll make some headway by morning."

They just don't get it. How one moment I can be feeling fine, and like a totally functional adult, and the next moment I'm sinking into quicksand.

Today I do not want to exist.

Thanks for reading.