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An uncle-in-law who molested me when I was 13 passed away recently. I’m 66 now, so the incident occurred a long time ago. I’m a little uncertain about my reactions and would appreciate some feedback, including criticism if anybody feels that way.
I developed an eating disorder about a year after the incident. I’ve been in and out of therapy for 50 years, so I’ve talked about the incident plenty of times.
I believe it was an impulsive, not a planned, molestation on his part. I had “forgiven” him and understood how it might have happened, given the “golden child” message he had from his mother, supported by the “we’ve all go to support our men” attitude of my family of origin.
I handled my feelings at the time by “shutting down.” Eventually in therapy I had dealt with the fact that one of the problems was that I had been aroused by what he did, and had found that pleasant.
The first day after I heard the news, I woke up feeling free. The next day I was somewhat surprised when I realized that in addition to feeling aroused, I had also loved him.
Good g****. Eventually, I fell in love with a man at work and we had a good marriage and two children before he died 14 years ago. I certainly loved him. But he was the only man I had dated seriously and my only “boyfriend”. Except for the uncle.
I shut my feelings for him down at the time because . . . lots of reasons. It would hurt my family, and hurt me. My feelings weren’t something that I had “wanted” and would not have “gone after” on my own. But once the incident happened, they were there. I had the ability to “shut down” (dissociate) from earlier experiences in my life, so that’s the way things went. No amount of therapy could unlock that door. I was a “loyal” family member at that time. Those were the cultural values back then.
Now, after my mother died last year, I have no more contact with my extended family of origin. When I was a kid, I loved them. I still love them. But . . . I stayed away because I felt uncomfortable at family gatherings and now. . . my cousins and I have no history.
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