Well, the past three weeks have been just awful but freaking amazing due to my bipolar disorder. I feel as if the depressive side of this illness has taken up most of my time. I am under aged and cannot seek actual help. I'll just use an explanation. I had an asthma attack earlier today, and my parents decided that I was making excuses to stay home from church. My voice means nothing and anything wrong with me is an excuse. But I just thought hey, if this thing kills me one day at least I'll get what I wanted all along. I've had countless episodes of dissociation, andddddd hallucinations. Suicide never actually leaves my mind it is a normal thing so I can survive. I just had a major down swing and I had been crying for hours and I decided I was going to call a suicide hotline. But I punked out and forgot I was even upset. I'm in Mania right now. It's ****ing crazy. I don't have access to a counselor, or friends really. But right now I'm so fantastic that I don't even feel like I need help because this elevated mood just feels so worth it. Though I know it's not...but only for the moment. I could definitely see myself on hard core drugs in a few weeks if i get no help. I know I don't truly want to die. If I really wanted to kill myself I would have been dead already. Actually I almost succeeded. What crazy person attempts suicide at 9? Meee!!!1 . I've never told anyone that actually. My lifestyle at home is kind of ****. I guess I gotta pull it through for another 2 years or less? But I'm lacking the stability to continue on with golds. So yeah I'm screwed. Don't know what I want to be in life, dont know if college is an option.