I hope this is an appropriate place to post this. I am a 31/m and I am pretty sure I am depressed and have been a long time. I have never looked into treatment or anything like that before but tomorrow I have an appointment at my university's mental health center. I am really nervous. It's almost like I don't know what to hope for. Part of me hopes they tell me that there is nothing wrong. I am scared of having to deal with depression for the rest of my life. The other part of me hopes they confirm what I have thought for a long time. Years really. Then maybe I can start moving forward and try to be happy. Or at least not feel so bad. I would even just take not dreading the morning. I don't sleep very well at all but being alone in my room means I don't have to face anything I don't want to.

I know it is just my head messing with me but I feel like a failure. Objectively I know that needing help doesn't make you weak. I have told other people that before. Encouraged them to get help from professionals. But when it comes to me I feel worthless. I don't know why. I have always prided myself in being there for others. Growing up I was always a captain on my sports teams. I was told I was a natural leader and my friends/teammates looked up to me. So I have always tried to be strong. Always tried to be the optimistic person. Take control when things aren't going well. I don't know why I cant apply that to myself.

I don't think anyone would suspect really how far gone I am. Maybe my best friend. The last few weeks I have been really clingy to her. I am scared it is going to push her away. I have been close to telling her but the fact that I have been in love with her for almost a year now scares me away from it. It feels like if I admitted this it would destroy any chance however small of being together in the future.

I miss having hope. I miss being happy. It's been a long time and I barely remember how they feel. I cant let go of things that bother me. I don't think I am suicidal but I often think how great it would be if I just didn't wake up. I have no motivation for school. None for finding a job. None for getting back in the gym. From the moment I wake up all I want is for the day to end so I can go back to bed and hopefully get a couple hours of dreamless sleep where I just feel nothing.

I don't know that I am depressed for sure but it seems to be pretty likely. I don't know how many of the online tests and things like that I have taken but I always score really high. I know they aren't the most accurate things ever and no replacement for a real diagnosis but the consistent high scores scare me. I don't know what to expect tomorrow. I guess I am looking for confirmation I am doing the right thing. Sorry for the length. I kind of got carried away.