Yesterday I decided to open up my mom's medical records I sent for, the autopsy report and a picture of her headstone sent to me. It was too much to handle. I am a mess now. I fell apart. I was already feeling so depressed about the New Year coming and me being in the shape I am. I feel enormous guilt. The records stated my Mom lived alone but had friends that stayed with her at times and an aide. I should have been more involved. I should have had more contact with her doctors and known everything that was going on. I let my own problems get in the way of being a good daughter. Also it confirmed what I had already suspected. She was near death when she first went to the ER and days later she was sitting up talking and showing improvement. The night they told her she was being transferred to another hospital and would have surgery and that it was 50/50, she was very ill but this was her only chance to survive, she took a turn for the worse. She went from talking, being oriented and aware to being disoriented, combative and eventually she couldn't breath and had to be put on a respirator. She never recovered. The records state that she showed signs of improvement and then her mental status deteriorated. That is the reason why. She was scared. The mind is very powerful, it can kill you. I should never have allowed them to tell her. I should have just said they were moving her to a hospital that had a better coronary care unit or something. That is what led to her decline. I can't deal with this. I can't stand to be awake and thinking. My life is a horrible mess as it is and I can't move forward. I feel like dying myself.