Hey all, Do we ever get them to go away !!
I had a dream about my father last night again, I have been really angry the past week... Seems as if I am all alone and never have time to myself , I know this does not make sense it is hard to explain ... I am sure this is triggering my nightmares I fight to stay awake now, I don't want to sleep, I keep my TV on all night my BF works nights so I have my puppy , Not the same !!! When he comes home, if I have no school he will come to bed and I have this feeling I have done something wrong I just Know he is mad at me..... I have told him this I have not explained where the feeling comes from ( My Childrens Abuser would stay up at night to see who I would talk about in my sleep ) And then he would wake me and yell at me and tell me I knew what I had done and knew what I was dreaming about...
I don't want to make my BF feel as if I am comparing him to my Ex, He is totally opposite of my ex and has never even yelled at me or cares what I dream about unless it's nightmares those he worries about.

He has asked me if I can open up to him and tell him what only few know about me, Only one man has never thrown it back into my face and If it was not for meeting him after my EX I would never have taken a chance on anyone again, For this I love him.. I Love my BF with all I am.. I am constantly worried he will leave for all the screwed up things in my head and in my life , he knows what has happened to my children in general terms as well as me very brief I hate my father and my Step mother ( she was with him when it all happened , over and over again) but not to many details..
Sorry rambling
Anyhow I close my eyes whenever I am exausted at night, And he invades my dreams !! I can feel the touch of his hands on my skin and I am helpless to get away I cannot even wake up anymore.. I relive every touch of his hands and her stupid smile as they entered my room and I prayed that it was not me tonight If I don't move he will go away.. I was young and I even wished maybe it was her daughter and not me this night. I hate myself for thinking that and it is the hardest thing to put this down, I feel it was an ugly thing to think to wish it away from me and onto her.. OMG !!! what kind of person thinks that?? Is it normal ?? She lived through this as well, After he got my stepmother involved he did not seem to bother her as much...Probably at her request.. But I don't know..Maybe just Anger at them has caused me to put the blame on her...
I had to see them for my aunts funeral, He walked up to my sister ( my oldest sister ) who had moved away already before he started in on me... And told her I am sorry for whatever grief I may have caused you over the years, You see he had abused her while she was my age for I don't know how long, She does not talk about it.. But when he divorced my mother, My sister and my older brother suggested to the judge I should go live with my father instead of my mom.. Who BTW is only an alcoholic and not a pedophile like my dad and my sister knew it...
I am angry at her for that..
Anyway enough... TMI in this post !!! I don't know what to do with these dreams tired of them I don't want to see him in my face anymore or feel his touch again.... So troubled... troubled1