Hopeful,
Your so right about everything.
I had a threapist tell me once when I was in a down spiral much like this one, though not as bad, that with all I have gone through in my life that I had many trust issues and that was what he thought to be my problem with God is I have such a hard time trusting!!
At the time it didn't make sense to me, now though I think I understand, even though I know there is a God and I have faith in him as God has seen me through many a bad time, it does boil down to trust though as trust is just something I don't have and is very hard for me to give.
I hope this makes sense as I just can't find the words these days to put together.
I have never been one to go to church. though I have tried going to a non-denominatianal church that has a huge following the thing with this and even when I try to pray, because of the meds I'm on I fall asleep if I'm still for any length of time, it's so embarassing, my son has to sit next to me and constantly wake me as I have even been snoring.
It's not that I'm bored I want to be there and I want to feel close to others that are close to God, it's just out of my power to stay awake...
Laverene