Alexandra,

Your dream really seems to illustrate your feelings and fears, doesn't it? Even though you know that you are really hard on yourself, and you know that you are not really disgusting, part of you feels that way anyway.

When you say that you miss your T, and that you can't even remember details like what he looks like, I wonder if you might benefit from a transitional item. Something that you can take with you that will help you to feel connected to T. It could be a picture of him or any small item that has meaning for you and some connection to your T. Would you be able to talk to him about that?

Rap