Okay, so I have been free from SI for about a year and a half, but I've recently relapsed. I've tried to break into razors earlier this year, but I was left with deep cuts in my fingers instead. I'm going to go ahead and let yall know that I am a christian and I'm very involved in my church. Im actually dating our children's pastor's son. We've been together for about a year now and he knows about my history of SI. He knows that ive been tempted very badly over these past 3 months and he also knows that I went out and bought some straight edges. Ive cut myself on my thigh and on my arm. Today he saw a few test cuts from where I was trying to get the guts to push down hard enough to get a decent amount of blood going. He looked at me and asked if I had hurt myself.. I insisted it was the dog and I don't think he bought it, but he gave up and said "I trust you." It kills me to lie to him. I feel so bad and I feel like a huge hypocrite. I cant even look at his dad in the eyes anymore so im sure he knows something is up. Im scared that if I tell my boyfriend, he will behave the same way my ex did (which was lying to me and saying that he cut/burned himself) and im terrified that if his parents find out, they'll think im no longer good enough for their son and then take him away from me (that has always been a huge fear of mine because thats what my exes parents have always done). Im also scared that the church will find out... and a lot of people know me and I also work at a christian daycare so im not sure if my relapse could cost me my job or not. To sum it all up I have a lot on the line if I get caught, but im just so tired of being the strong one. I want to be broken. I want to be able to release mt stress. Ive tried drawing, playing my piano, journaling, running, you name it ive tried it. None of the distractions work. I dont feel like I can pray anymore because I feel like God doesn't want to hear from someone who isnt ready to finally deal with her addiction. I just dont know what to do. No one one knows. My mentor that got me through it recently had a baby so shes too busy, and one of my teachers moved across the country while the other was fired for stupid decisions so I feel like I have no one to talk to. All I have left is my my boyfriend's parents. I will talk to my boyfriend about it, but I need an adult to help me through this.. its just a matter of speaking up and saying I'm not okay, but I'm way too scared to say that