All my life I've always been the good guy who got stepped on. If i did something good I was yelled at for it.Had little to no friends but, felt like a void in there presence.

I went to my brothers wedding as the best man he lost his flower handkerchief having to give up those item to him someone said
'Your like a spare tire good for when we need you'
and my massive depression attack I went somewhere private and used my hand to strike cuts on my chest to the point of blood running down and felt so much relief and I felt happy seeing all that blood spill.
When I performed my toast to the wedding couple I herd no clapping, no laughter . after that i went outside for a cigarette to listen to music on my phone. I do listen to Marilyn Manson but hearing his music made me feel happy that hollow feeling in my chest rises with happiness .

I never talked to my family about my depression coped with it .
I've never had a Girlfriend or someone personal to talk to.
I am in great shape and not overweight no eating disorders but, i thought i try and talk about it on here.