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Originally Posted by here today
I have grandchildren and currently my daughter is not communicating with me at all. Before that happened, I was seriously depressed and anxious and had other problems which I was trying to get help for but not succeeding very well. I tried to be a “good mother” and “good grandmother” by following ideas I had about what I should do, knowing that some spontaneity and being real would be important for me to have a real relationship with the grandchildren, but all I had that was “real” was negativity, so that wouldn’t have worked well either.
I’m better now but not ready to try to contact my daughter about that. I’m not strong enough right now to tolerate more rejection, but I do expect to gain that with a little more time. If/when I feel that I can tolerate rejection, if it comes, then I think I can be a real person again with my daughter and, for the first time, with my grandchildren. If they gravitate toward the other grandparents then, oh well. I’m the only maternal grandmother that they have, so I’ll try to be available if they want me in their lives. Actually, I had been trying to do that already, but with the negativity and mental illness, there wasn’t much positive there for them.
And with the current “fad” of cutting negative people out of your life, even if they are your parents. . . Well, my daughter has the right, based on the best she knows how to do, to be “wrong”, too.
How is your relationship with your children? Have your difficulties strained your relationships with them? The grandchildren could be picking up on their parents’ attitudes, even if they don’t talk about it. Also, it doesn’t sound to me like your therapist is helping you much in dealing with the current feelings of being rejected by your grandchildren, even if that is rooted in your own childhood. You’re having those feelings here and now, and, based on my experience, when I was feeling anxious about being rejected, my anxiety made me less of a person for others to enjoy being around, and hence increased the likelihood of being rejected.
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Thanks for replying, heretoday. I'm sorry you're not communicating with your daughter. I hope things change for you! My daughters and I get along pretty well, and they realize that I'm hurt by the way their kids react to me. I don't think I have strained relationships with them, though I know they don't like when I criticize anything about the way they're living. I try not to, but I do tend to be critical. It's hard to accept they have their own families, and do things different from the way my H and I do things. The grandkids don't totally reject me; it's just that they prefer the other grandmas. My T has made some suggestions to try to help me.
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Originally Posted by winter4me
All you can do is love them, and hang in there----well, if you have a relationship with the other grandparents, you might want to strengthen that relationship if you can..
You don't say how old your grandchildren are, but relationships change as children grow.
It is possible that they sense your anxiety about wanting to be loved etc---and it may make them uncomfortable in a way that they don't understand, and you may try too hard for them. Maybe just letting them be a bit, take their cues re: what to do with/for them; and most of all, do what is good for you so that you can feel good about yourself and let that feeling come from you...
like here today, I know that my own anxiety can interfere with the comfort level of others around me. I hate that but it is so, sometimes just acknowledging my own anxiety is enough to relieve things a bit...a way to say "it's not you...and I do see it..."
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I am quite anxious in general, about not feeling left out, so that's a good point you and here today are making. I tried to just accept the situation more this time, and did have some good times with the kids. Thanks for the advice!
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Originally Posted by H3rmit
Bubbly? Sounds like the other gps and the children are both more outgoing than you, and I find such people often do not see or gravitate to people who are less so. It's not about your adequacy; it's just social stratification. I can see it would be painful.
I don't have any experience of your situation specifically, though. I have no kids, nor did I ever know any of my grandparents, for geographic reasons.
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Yes, the other grandmas are both more outgoing than I am, but I can have fun with the kids too! I see your point. Kids are kids, and they just want to be entertained. I love to read stories to them, and play games, but I can't do that all of the time at their level.
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Originally Posted by Webgoji
My grandchildren like the others grandparents more than they like us. Really it comes down to two simple things:
1. Their other grandparents buy them all kinds of stuff we can't afford.
2. They can get away with anything with the other grandparents.
Personally, it doesn't bother me. I've been a step parent for over 13 years and I'm accustomed to being considered the worst person on the planet. But when it comes right down to it, my daughter (step-daughter) would rather bring her kids over to us because she and her husband know that we will respect their wishes as far as gifts and discipline go. We give the grandkids more what they need (to the best of our knowledge and ability) as opposed to what they want and we're fine with that.
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Thanks for your input. I try to buy the kids presents they'll like, and discovered that dollar store things are just as good as the expensive stuff! I'm glad you're satisfied with the relationship you have with your grandchildren.
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Originally Posted by jadzea
Every single granparent has something different to offer the grandchildren. Your grandchildren's needs and preferences will chage as they grow and mature. Right now they need what the other granmother has. In the future they may need what you have. I know it hurts to see them run to someone else but keep letting them know you love them and treat them the way that makes you comfortable. In time they will come to appreciate you and value you as much or more than their other grandmother.
How do your children (their parents) react to you?
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Thanks! You sound exactly like my T! My daughters and I get along okay.
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Originally Posted by healingme4me
It's really up to your child and their spouse, to foster an appreciation and respect for you, as a grandparent.
How old, are your grandkids?
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It's not that my grandchildren don't respect and appreciate me, but they choose the other grandma when we're together. We're not together that much, in one family, but in the other one we are. The kids range in age from infancy to age 10. I have a better relationship with the 10 year old, I think, and one of the babies who is used to baby-sitters. Another baby won't let my H or I near him; he's very attached to Mommy, but also to the other grandma.