Sounds like the depression talking. You have to fight it. You have people who care and would like to help. I don't remember from your previous posts if you are on meds are not but if you are I would see my doctor for an adjustment. Or if you are like me and med resistant, I just keep hoping the next one will work. Hope is what we hang on to. It gets us through the dark of night and the light of day. You can do this, stay with us, there is always hope.