So I never considered myself an addict of anything, except maybe cigarettes and even that is less than the required amount for NRT to help. But last time my depression and anxiety became out of control it became apparent that I have a habit of taking pills. Really whatever is around, which usually is my boyfriends sleeping pills and pain medication, though for a bit oxycodone was part of that, as well as T3s without caffeine and valium. Oh, and a lot of smoking of pot.

So whatever's available, because I don't have a flipping clue how to find a dealer.

This time it's mostly T3's, and the urge to go out and search for anything stronger. I don't like drinking, and actually I don't like not being sober, but I keep doing all of this stuff and wanting to just lose myself, sometimes secretly hoping to OD.

The one thing that's helping this time is that I feel really responsible to stay sober for a friend of mine who I see every day. He's the one that knows first when I'm not doing well, and he's the one that stays up and watches me if I take too much and I want to be better for him. I'm even giving up cigarettes for him! But I'm seriously struggling so now I don't really know what to do.

Also to put a bit of context into this, me and my bf are having a lot of issues that are really triggering, and we live together so I really get away unless I go to a shelter for a few days.