I am so sorry you are having to go through all this alone. I understand your anger and the need for more answers. I'm also sorry I don't really have any answers for you. Grief in some cases takes a long time to process. And if I were in your shoes I'm not sure I could ever recover. The only thing I could suggest is that you get a counselor trained in grief counseling to help you find your answers. I do know my heart goes out to you.