Hurray! My session was so helpful today, and T and I connected on an adult level. Now that I'm home I'm having some of those yearnings again, but I think it's much better for me to relate to my T adult to adult. However, we TALKED about my child feelings, and she knows what I'm missing. After all, I've told her often for the past 3 plus years!

First, when I brought up about the whining and her sarcastic/teasing comment, she apologized and said it was "her bad". She said I triggered her with what sounded like whining, and she spoke without thinking. She wasn't trying to help me; she said it was wrong for her to say what she did. So, she's human. End of story. I did tell her that I wanted help and I should have said it in a different way.

I got through everything on my list and more! I even told her about needing to start another thread on this forum because I felt like I wasn't noticed. She wanted to do SE about how that feels in my body--agitated, and I have to do something about it. She asked if my parents noticed me. I said they did, but we decided maybe it wasn't the way I wanted to be noticed. My Mom was always nervous and trying to "fix me". My T said she and my Dad loved me very much and may have noticed me and paid attention but not in the way I needed, through no fault of their own.

She asked me to visualize them the way I'd like them to have been, and I immediately could do that, and I felt calm, still, and happier. I felt like I didn't have to change, to do anything. I could just BE! Be myself, be okay the way I was without visits to a social worker to help me make more friends, to charm school, Mom meeting my teacher about me, etc. It was so nice to visualize that calmness with my parents.

So I wasn't holding T's hand, I wasn't going on about having a crush on her, or loving her, and it was still good! She says I do have control over what goes on in my brain, and thinking about that stuff reinforces the addictive cycle.

Oh, I forgot to say. The first thing I said in the session was that I was worried about her not wanting to see me because of my email and she said that wasn't true at all. Sigh of relief. I said that I felt better after emailing her, and I hoped it was all right. She is willing to let me decide if emailing helps me or not. Of course she won't answer them; that won't change.

At the end of the session, I said "this was good, wasn't it?" and she said "Yes", it was! Then we hugged.