Ah, this is a tough one. It's hard to stick to medications if you haven't fully accepted the need for them, although it can be done.

Perhaps it would be easier for you to stay on your meds if you know that every time you have a mood episode, the more apt you are to have another, and the more you have, the worse they get over time. That's what kept me on the straight-and-narrow when I was fighting the urge to go off my meds during a mixed episode ("what the hell good are they doing me, anyway?!").

I knew that if I made it through that one, I DEFINITELY didn't want to experience another one like it, so I stuck it out and kept taking the pills even though I was sure they weren't working. Finally I got to a high enough dose of the AP that everything more or less went away, and I'm doing great now. But I'd never have gotten to this point if I'd given up on medications. YMMV.