Not even exactly sure where to put this but I suppose this is good. I have had mental health issues for a very long time. I have been hospitalized upwards of ten times and taken so many medications I don't even remember all of them. First official diagnosis was schizoaffective disorder along with some GAD and BPD. The only thing that continues to vary is whether I have bipolar of schizoaffective. I personally think I am bipolar. I have been doing a great job of pretending that everything is ok and keeping a big smile on my face and when ever someone asks me how I am I doing my immediate reply is great. Then night falls and all turn in for a night of rest and my inner turmoil begins. I assume it is because all are sleeping and I can finally let my guard down. My thoughts hit shuffle and its the same **** over and over about what a loser I am and how after 40 years I should realize things are not and will never get better. To be completely honest if I did not have children I would be dead. Between the mental illness and all the constant chronic intense pain if I didn't have my little beauties there would be no reason to suffer through all of this. I hardly ever sleep and that is due to the many racing thought in combination with the unrelenting pain. I cannot sleep for more than 2 hours at a time because the longest I can stay in any one position. Years ago before children I self medicated with drugs and my favorite was heroin and it took me a very long time to hang that up and get my **** together. On November 21, 2005 was the last time I ever used heroin which means since then I have had to experience and feel every emotion. Then in 2007 my life changed forever with the birth of my first child and it made suffering through all this worth it.
Lets fast forward to now. I am almost 40 and living in my parents basement with my 2 kids because of my many health problems and the fact that I am on disability and what I receive in disability does not support three people and I had no where else to go. I am very appreciative that my paretns agreed to take my children and I and I am more than grateful for all the blessings they bestow upon my children. I could never afford to go anywhere or do anything when we lived on our own and now my kids are in scouts and play soccer and lacrosse and attend bible school none of which would be possible without my parents. I am just having some difficulty with having to abide by everything they say and anything I/we need I have to ask for and explain why and then they decide if they want to give me money for it or not. I have no access to cash at all. I can't go out and do anything without permission because I have no access to money. I even have to make a tank of gas last an entire week and I realize for all the benefits involved these are not unreasonable requests its just at 40 I do not want to have to ask my parents permission to/for anything. It is quite degrading to say the very least. Years ago I had an eating disorder which seems to have begun to rear its ugly head once again. I have started binge eating again at night and have even been eating in my sleep which I have not done since rehab. The only reason I know I am sleep eating again is that the wrappers are there as proof in the morning. I just am so depressed and feel like such a failure and a loser and I don't see how to improve my situation. My original plan was to help get my health in order and get a job and slowly get to a point that I could work full time and come off disability and take care of my family myself. Of course I had to go and fall and do more damage to my spine and now there is no way I could even think about working at this point in time. I have no idea what to do and it is making me feel even worse than I already do.
I apologize this is so long I just really needed to unload it cause I don't really have anyone to talk to so thank you for listening.