I think that is the most telling thing, the silence. My T is the same way.

I think sometimes my T might be gay.

Two of my teenage role models were closeted lesbians who worked in the school district or with the Girl Scouts. I only learned of their orientation upon becoming an adult and friending them on Facebook!

I think that's what draws me to my T! She's like my old Girl Scout leader!

I haven't asked my T about it because it doesn't matter to me either way. But I often do wonder! I just assume my T is gay and I've used gender neutral language when talking about partners.

And I agree that a straight T might've mentioned her spouse sooner. Especially after all those years. It would slip. Gays are more practiced at using language in a way that doesn't give away anything.

I wonder if you couldn't say something like, "I wonder if you can relate to me because you've dealt with similar things with your partner?"

This makes me feel all mixed up: jealous, yet happy that T has someone to love. Do you think I can tell T about these clues, or is it too creepy?

Huh. I don't know. I'm trying to think how I'd feel in her shoes. A few months ago someone (a gay man) asked me if I was queer (I am) and provided all the "clues" that had led him to that conclusion (including the fact that I was wearing colourful stripy socks that my son had chosen for me that this guy interpreted as being "rainbow socks!"). It didn't bother me but I think I'd have felt more at ease if he'd just asked point blank without telling me his reasoning.

Maybe just ask your T if she's a lesbian (or in a relationship with another woman--some people feel uncomfortable with various labels). She might not tell you or might ask why you ask. But I think it's totally okay for you to ask. She's doesn't have to answer if she doesn't want to.

FWIW my t and I talk all the time about what it's like for me that she's straight and whether I feel that this interferes with her understanding me or makes me feel awkward around her.