Hey. I rarely post threads like this, but I feel like I've come to my wit's end, here, and I don't really know where else to turn.

Ever since the sixth grade, I've put so little effort into my school work. I wouldn't finish assignments, would bomb tests, and, quite honestly, it's a miracle that I didn't flunk out of high school. Speaking of which, high school was when I began to skip classes, in general... starting with P.E., and extending to other classes. I would walk out of the school, go to the YMCA next door, and sit in a chair, either reading a book or playing a game.

But I digress.

It wasn't until my Freshman year of high school that my depression kicked in full-gear, and stayed that way. In fact, I wasn't even diagnosed with Depression until my Freshman year... and I still can't remember what "type" of depression it was. I've been diagnosed with so many things throughout my life... I can't keep track of it all. Regardless, high school was terrible. I believe that that was around the time that I began to "self-sabotage", as I like to think of it, my life. I'd skip class. I wouldn't finish homework. I'd fail classes. I'd skip test days. And, in the end, while I always felt guilty about it and anxious about my future, I just did not... didn't care enough to push myself. I didn't care enough ABOUT myself to push myself.

Somehow, I passed high school, and now...? College. Third year of college. Third year of community college, for a simple Associate's Degree, and I still don't have enough credits for even one year of college. I skip class, on a daily basis, and I lie to my family about the state of my classes. Whereas they used to fund my tuition, they no longer do that after I'd thrown away the previous two years. I'm paying for my current semester, out-of-pocket, and I'm throwing it all away, and I just don't... I don't care. I am dismantling my life, sabotaging my future, burning my bridges, burning the bridges that are AHEAD of me, and I don't care. I just don't care. I mean, I do care, but... I don't care enough to want to bring myself out of this, because, quite honestly, I feel as if I'm going to just end it all at some point soon, anyway. Could be tomorrow. Could be a year from now. Who knows? Either way, I'm about halfway into this semester, and the semester, as far as I can tell, is a lost cause, at this point. Which makes me think to myself: why even bother now?

Either way, I'm... I feel defeated, utterly defeated, and I feel as if I'm submitting myself to that defeat, and I just don't care enough to pull myself back up, which begins a cycle, a spiral, of self-hatred and all sorts of other negative emotions. It has been this way for the better part of four years, and I feel as if I'm just going through life, like a robot, a zombie, dead, but not actually dead - dead, but still awake. Just going through the motions, not having enough energy, care, motivation, or anything to push myself through to the next day. I self-harm, I fantasize about suicide on an almost daily basis, I'm not on any meds, I don't see a therapist for several weeks from now, and I'm just... I'm exhausted. I'm tired.

This description, this thread, doesn't even begin to scratch at the surface, doesn't even begin to address the several thousand facets of the situation. I feel like I'm not even beginning to do it justice, but I need to say something, while I'm still coherent, while I'm still able to even remotely express myself, because things are getting bad, fast, and my life is plummeting downhill, and what I see, at the bottom, is beginning to scare me less and less. It's beginning to feel more welcoming.