Hi,
I am looking for somewhere I can get some feedback from others who know what I am talking about and where I am coming from...others who have been or are currently 'there'.

I have had eating disorders my entire life; all variations of anorexia. Since childhood I have been consumed with anorexia to occupy my surging mind. Well, a couple years ago, I got extrememly bad; around 70 lbs., and my mother was depressed and encouraged me to just eat everything. Food = Good. Well, I couldn't stand to see her sad, so I did. I have great will power haha.

Well, after slowly gaining weight, I got scared because I couldn't stop eating. Binging took the place of starving. I weighed about 90 lbs when I realized this, and no one would listen because I was so skinny complaining about eating all the time.

As I got back to 110, my normal weight for 5'4, I knew I had to take action. I have esophagitis and just a quick push of the stomach muscles will expel food from my stomach and esophagus.

So, I began to take advantage of this and 'regurgitated' or 'purged' all food. I told myself it wasn't puking because i didn't have to use my hand or fingers.

Now it has been a year or two and I'm tired all the time, I can't sleep, I have weird spells of shaking and heart race and hot/cold flash, I sweat no matter what if I go to sleep. I drink unimaginable amounts of diet soda to aid in the expulsion of food.

It's like a sick past-time when I'm at home. It's break right now so I'm at my worst. It doesn't seem bad when I am at school all day and commute home at night.

i find myself wishing so much that I starved again like the 'normal' me instead of binge. Does anyone have any experience with the repercussions of purging? I am a singer, and I think my voicw might be beginning to change. This scaares me more than anything.

I don't know how I will ever get my life back. But then again, my life before now was anorexic. But that would be better than this. No contest.

Does anyone have advice? information? experience? I'm barely 18 and I'm so worn out, scared, and almost to give up.