Hi I had the AA big book and 12x12 when first around in AA but my mind was too frazzled to understand them at the time. I got on well with a book called Undrunk a skeptics guide to AA, that explained it all better for me. It was the hardest thing I ever did getting free from alcohol and benzos yet after 3 years off it all it feels good to be alive and that horrible empty hole in my soul feeling inside is gone now. I hope things get better for you, if you call the AA helpline or email them they would be happy to explain the 12 step program.