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My best friend is pregnant and ended up going to the hospital on Sunday because she was having contractions at 25 weeks. They decided to hold her overnight just to be on the safe side. She asked me to stay with her as her husband does not have paid time off and I was off Monday and Tuesday. I had no problem with it but I got very little sleep and stayed with her throughout the next day until her husband arrived around 5:30pm. I cancelled my appointment with my T (which now looking back was a BAD idea) so I could stay with her the whole day. She was very scared but was in pain and not very happy for most of the day, but we seemed to make it through okay. I was fine, just trying to stay calm for her. After finding out they were holding her again into Tuesday I completely broke down. I think it was a combination of coming down from the meds (I take focalin to keep alert and awake during the day but it only lasts for so long) and just from being tired and in pain (my back hurt so badly). Her husband came to relieve me so that I could go home and get a shower but I told them I would come back to help them out. I tried to not have a breakdown in front of them, but she asked me if I was okay and I went into an immediate anxiety attack. I felt so bad and I told her it wasn't her it really just was me. I got myself together after I got home and went back that night. The next day was better and I was in a good mood for majority of the day but things went downhill that night.
I spoke with her husband last night before I left and after finding out that he struggled with depression earlier in his life, I felt even more depressed. He explained that the way he got out was by forcing himself to do things he wouldn't normally do. He surrounded himself with good people and forced himself to go out with friends even when he didn't feel like it. I don't want to do any of that. I have a very small group of friends that I hang out with and that's only on occasion. I go to therapy once a week and I take medication but I cannot bring myself to do something that I need to do to make myself better. It's the weirdest thing to me. I don't even know if this makes sense to anyone else, but I feel badly that I'm too lazy to do anything to feel better. I guess when I started going to see my T I just thought it would be like "Okay I'm here! Now fix me!" I know now that is not the way this works but I am too tired or lazy to do anything. I want to be done with this life. I want out of my job; I don't want to deal with the responsibilities of being an adult. I am tired, I am sad most of the time, I hate my life and I hate the fact that I'm depressed but won't do anything about it. Despite the meds and everything I feel horrible today and really see no end in sight. I知 not even excited about the fact that I知 going to see a concert tomorrow night; all I can think of is how tired I知 going to be afterwards. My emotions are so up and down and I知 so unpredictable I can稚 stand it (as you can probably see form this post). I have depression, but I知 beginning to think I知 bipolar. Right now I知 just so frustrated with myself and my life. I知 ready for it all to end.
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