I am grateful to all of you that have been kind enough to reply and offer me suggestions and support. I am just tired. Tired of fighting. Everytime I feel something might change for the better something happens to ruin things again. I don't have hope of my life ever having any meaning or happiness or even peace. I know my BF doesn't know what to do. He does feel helpless. But he can be very insensitive sometimes. However, he is all I have and he does worry about me and does try to help at times. He has come around some. At first he was angry at me for being depressed, I think he wanted me to leave. He feels sorry for me now. He sees that I do try to take little steps. I did go apply for help with my medical which was a big step for me. My going to the hospital clinic for help and taking meds was another big step. They may seem insignificant to some but for me it is a big deal. I do not want to go anywhere alone or be around people. I was hesitant to get help for myself out of embarrassment. I am on wellbutrin and am supposed to see the Dr. and Therapist Friday but I am not feeling well. I have health issues also. Also, they cut my medical assistance because I wasn't going to see the case worker and trying to find work. So now I will not be able to get the meds. I do not want to go to see the case worker alone on the bus because I'm not familiar with that bus route. It is scary for me. My BF works and cannot come. Plus the whole idea of needing assistance and going to apply is embarrassing for me. I don't want to continue going to the office. The first time I went it was in a town I was more familiar with and my BF showed me how to go. I thought that would be it. I didn't have any intention of staying on the assistance forever. Just until I can get out of this depressed state and back to working. I have been looking for something part time I can do that will not be too stressful and that I can get to on the bus easily but I haven't been successful. I also have tried finding agencies that can help me with therapy, or job training and placement. The clinic I go to is not helpful. I really only go for the prescriptions. The therapist doesn't get depression. She thinks when I want to change my life I will do it. Like it is that easy. I try to help myself and I get nowhere. I feel alone. Nobody knows what to say to me because they see what a complete mess my life is and don't know what to say to help. So they avoid me. I need help in pulling myself out of this hole that I am in. I am not getting it. I am ready to give up at this point. I am tired of trying and waiting for the next crisis to come. Again, I appreciate everyones support though, it means alot to me.

Bree Marie.