My last T session was a mess! Even my t's said I wasn't there most of the time. The more digging that goes on the more voices I hear in my head, the more flashbacks & the more film loops that keep repeating. Yesterday my one T asked me how I felt knowing I had different parts & I said I don't know. I feel everyone has parts. All mine do is fight over what comes out of my mouth.

I have this overwhelming need to know where I stand regarding DID. Am I being obsessive? Last time I asked my T, kind of early in our therapy process, she said she doesn't like to label people so she didn't really say, but did say I'm on the scale. Now I have this feeling that I must know what the diagnosis is! Am I DID?
I don't completely lose time, but feel like I'm on the sidelines sometimes. My T said she'd like to hear from my anger part. That scared the crap out of me. That part is full of rage & images of hurting people, destroying things, hurting myself, basically feeling like I'm the Incredible Hulk. I told her that part scared me & didn't want it out bec I don't think I could contain it. Is it a part? An alter? An emotion? Why won't she tell me?
Sometimes I sit on that couch & struggle to stay present & not let the other voices talk bec some are really ugly & nasty. Then @ home I get punished & repremanded by them for talking about it. I don't want to say certain things in that office bec I'm scared & scared I'm going to lose control & really scared I'm going to end up in another facility. Are my T waiting for something? Am I making all this up bec it sounds so unreal to me. Can I have alters & control them? Can I still be present if something else comes out? Can I control any of this? There's a part of me that says I'm way over reacting, dreaming stuff up & need to get back to reality...there's nothing wrong w/me. I teach a class once a week & I know that when I get into that room I'm a different, but normal person. There's nothing wrong w/me & I am focused on teaching & other people. I don't even recognize that other person I am outside of that classroom. If someone would ask me about it I'd deny everything.
Any comments would be so helpful. Thank you in advance