Hi Floralies!
I hear you! I experience similar problems in my marriage. I aspire to be better about things, but I struggle with it. Moments where I fall short of my aspirations I am totally intoxicated by desire and I think a subtle kind of self loathing that is very sneaky. When I am crossing lines I should not cross, I convince myself almost entirely that it is a great idea, sort of like I deserve to get something I want, and I am totally drawn in by this way of thinking, though it evaporates once it's too late.
I don't think it is a good strategy for us to entertain guilt and shame. We are responsible for our transgressions, and we are aspiring to live more accountable lives. We are struggling and there a lot of successes and a lot of challenges. Most importantly, I don't think your therapist will be disappointed in you, she will probably be highly motivated to help you feel better and get back on track. I am not trying to be diagnostic here, but I know if I were in your situation, and I imagined that my therapist were going to be disappointed in me, that would probably be me projecting. Maybe you relate to that idea, maybe you don't.
At any rate, we are hard people to love, and we are amazing lovers.
We are all aspirants, and I am in your corner!
Hang in!
MT
Quote:
Originally Posted by Floralies
I have been married for 12 years, together for 20 with my husband. I cheated 10 years ago, thus finding out I was Bi-polar and in a hyper sexual mania mode, let alone spending way too much money we did not have etc. Well, here I go again. I just cheated again and am hopelessly attached. He ended it because I am married and can't do it. Now I cannot take the rejection and am in a big downward spiral of very low self esteem. I want to be friends with this guy but am confused if that is a good idea or not. I just cannot let him go. I wake up all night long thinking about him. I do everything in my power to not call him or text him or I will push him away from even being a friend. I became very crazy and emotional which made things worse because this guy has no idea that I am Bi-polar...he just thinks I am a nutbar. Should I tell him I am Bi-polar to explain myself? I feel so insecure like I need to. How do I move on and concentrate on my marriage? I need to tell my psychiatrist when I see her next week but I am afraid because she will be very disappointed in me like I am right back to where I was 10 years ago.
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