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Old Jan 04, 2007, 06:57 AM
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I spoke to my adoptive mother yesterday. When I put the phone down, I felt this feeling off not having been noticed. I could feel the difference between her and my T. It felt sad that my T has had to fill the space that existed between and my mother.

I remember as a child going out to play and when returning home again, mum had changed. Her mood had changed, her reaction to me had changed. It was always like that. I was always trying to "fix" her. Thinking that I must be bad, it must be my fault for having left her because before I left, either for sch or to play outside, she seemed ok, now on my returned she had become cold and mean.

I think whenever there is a break in therapy, I always fear that when I return T will have become cold and mean, and this causes anxiety. I want to see T again next week,but I also have fear around it.

But on seeing this I also see what exactly T is giving to me. That she takes time with me. That for the past 2 1/2 yrs she has been completely dedicated to her role toward me. I've never felt for a moment that she wasn't emotionally in the room with us.

I remember once looking up her roof (she works from home) and she asked what was up? I said I thoughts you had got that repaired? she smiled her gentle smile and said "does my not repairing that make you feel like I am might not take care of you properly?" To which I nodded yes.

Then I said "but maybe because you are taking care of me properly, and others, you don;t have the time for that?" she smiled.

I see how my mother had so many needs of her own that she didn't know how to just "be" with someone. She never taught me what a intimate relationship would be like. If she needed something then the person who could best provide that need for her would be the one she spent time with. If you had nothing for her, she had no use for you.

My T has a book on her bookshelve entitled "The empty fortress" I know what that title means to me now.

My head knows that T will still be as attentive and as professional as always next week, but still the feelings of my past experiences are strong. But workable now I "see" them.