how about you do some tutoring on the side to supplement your social security and dump the current husband now before you waste more of your life on him. I mean,, really, intentionally putting scuff marks on your sofa??? that takes the cake!!! As far as your kids go I would accept the $50 bucks MINIMUM because as a NP and a Nurse they are making PLENTY of money. (My daughters are an NP and a nurse and they make over $100 an hour between them) Expensive home or not they can afford to pay you.
I do understand the labor of love thing, cause I'm doing it now for my grandson, but my situation is different than yours. Now, for the ex husband...run run run...you have already put up with more than you should have from him.
You soooo deserve better and I think you should do things for YOU. Try to figure out why you are such a people pleaser and why you think your feelings don't really matter. I bet it can be traced to your childhood and the way your parents treated you. You cant change it, but you can damn sure spend the rest of your life taking care of YOU.
I get that you weren't exactly the IDEAL parent (from reading your other posts) and it's unfortunate. All you can do now is ACKNOWLEDGE what you did to your children and apologize to them. You did give them life and for that they should be grateful.
Best wishes for the END of your turmoil. You deserve that!!!! Hugs.