I don't write here since a long time. I'm balancing my life between bad and almost normal days (never goods days). Sometimes I feel I'm on my way, but it never last very much, a day or two, then I go down again.
I just hate my life, I just hate myself (dispite I know I have qualities), but what I hate most are social situations. I'm constantly running away from people hopping they don't notice me. I just can socialize in a group with familiar people, and it gets a realy hard time for me to get familiar with people. I don't have a person I can call friend since 2007. And even if I had spent lots of time with someone its impossible for me to feel intimacy again.
I'm an introvert and I never reveal my true feelings, the few times I did that I regret it the second after i did it. I have noone to talk about my issues because I can't trust anyone. Anyone is ever good enough for me.
Well, I think today I have been too much time on social situations. I could say I socialize to much today, but the truth is I had socialize to little. I find a known stranger in the train my way home, he was sitting next to me, it lasted 1hour, but we had nothing to say to each other, other than a few words. I'm now feeling bad about myself. I was already tired, I was already feeling bad because I had spent some hours with my collegues, but then it became worse. I just hate myself. But I guess it's just a reminder that I can't have friends or a social life. It just don't depend on me, I can't control my anxyety. Someday it is with my other days it's not. I can't control the mess my head is that doesn't allow me to think straight. I can't control my feelings of distance, my depersonalization. I can't control every litle part of my personality. I'm somewhat a diferent person everyday. I feel bad about myself. I wish I had someone I felt I could talk to. Even here, I feel I can't trust no one. I just hold myself back everytime. I guess a big reason I fear social situations its because I never have something to say.