My Support Forums - View Single Post

gruvingal · Oct 10, 2013, 06:59 PM

I was not diagnosed with my BPD until I was 35 around the same time I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia after a bad car accident. Most of my life before that had been spent being afraid of everything and trying to control it. I was also raised in a very dysfunctional family and was sexually abused by my grandfather. My mother was an alcoholic and was sexually abused by her father, my grandfather. I acted out sexually for years and made some very bad decisions. Now I am 52. I have spinal stenosis, DDD, and essential tremors. I can no longer physically act on my mania (i.e. work in the garden). Now it is all in my head (no pun intended)! My panic attacks have come back because of all the paperwork for the state and social security, the doctor appointments I seem to have every week now, and I have become more and more hermit like because I can't handle being around a lot of people or driving in traffic. I have a therapist, but had to change from one to another after two appointments because of my insurance change. I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round that's spinning to fast. I cannot get off and everything is spiraling around me. Panic sets in and I become very irritable. I begin to get angry at some point and then the crying starts and if I can't stop it I become hysterical and run off like an animal to hide and calm down. I tried to reach my therapist, but she was out on Monday and at another site with no receptionist on Tuesday. I did not want to call the help line because I have a terrible fear of being put in the psyc ward and them making me take other meds or not letting me have mine. I have my meds down to a science and because of the fibro any med change will put me down for at least three days. Unfortunately my short term memory has also been affected and I have to pay attention to what I am taking when I take it and use a pill sorter. I also tend to go on and on so with that I'm out for now!