In my experience (as a grandchild), kids want unconditional love, warmth, and acceptance from the adults in their life. In my case, one grandma always welcomed me with open arms, listened to me, asked me questions about my life, was patient with me, and always showed a genuine interest in my thoughts and feelings. She loved me for who I was, and gave that love freely, without demanding it or asking anything in return. I also noticed the way she treated my dad (her son) and the way she was proud, supportive, and loving towards him. I never heard her criticize or say negative things about anyone. Whenever I was critical of someone else, she sat me down and explained why it's "not nice" to be critical of others, and asked me: "how would you like it if someone was critical of you?" She taught me a lot of valuable lessons, while never making me feel like I was "wrong" or making me feel "guilty" for making a mistake. She approached everything from a place of love and generosity. She also let me be the child. She took care of me, put my feelings first, and followed my lead when it came to our relationship. She made me feel safe and secure. As I got older, things became more equal but, when I was a young child, she made me feel like I was "special" and gave me that extra attention.

My other grandma, on the other hand, was very anxious, critical, and self-absorbed. She was clearly distant from my mother (her daughter) and father, and it made her vey stand-offish with us as well. She clearly felt awkward and uncomfortable, and it made us feel insecure around her. I also saw her criticize my mom (and others) and, even though it was not directed at me, it bothered me. I didn't like to hear the way she criticized people, and it made me fear that she would start criticizing me (which she did, when I reached about age 12). She thought everything should be done "her way" and it made me not want to tell her things or express my own opinions to her, lest she tell me I was "wrong." After all, she seemed to have an opinion about everything. There was always a "right way" and a "wrong way." She also talked mostly about herself, her feelings, her hobbies, and the things that interested her. She had very little patience for listening to me, my interests, or my feelings. It was clear that she wanted me to give her attention and make her feel good about herself, but she didn't do that for me. When we visited her, she did the perfunctory things-- make dinner, clean up, drive me-- but she complained about how much work it was, how tired she was, etc. It made me feel guilty, like I was an inconvenience. She also got upset if I (as a young child) didn't recognize all of the things she was doing, and repay those tasks with love/attention. I always felt uncomfortable around her, because it never felt as though she loved ME or wanted to get to know ME or listen to ME. It was about her-- she had the mentality of: "you are my grandchild, you are supposed to adore me!" If I didn't, then it was "my fault" or I was "wrong." Had she stopped making everything about her and simply taken an interest in ME, I may have developed a relationship with her. Alas, I never did.