Outside of my T, I see a counselor (C), and I see her whenever i want (Which usually means once-twice a day, sometimes more cause she is an advisor at the college and heads up a club I'm in) I'm very close to my C perhaps closer to her than to my T. (Whcih I think my T is seeing a problem with..wonder why )

And She knows I see her as my Mother figure. I have talked to her about my life and this one time I talked to her about how my mother let her boyfriend sexually abuse me for money for a few years, and she got super-pissed off. Her face began to get red and she covered it up and said, "I can see why you're mad. Hell, I'm mad now for you, thats just....This is why I don't get emotionally involved with my clients and students. Okay let's get back to you and what's best for you." Which felt really good that she got so mad, made me feel like she was being protective of me.

And one time I missed the bus she gave me a ride home cause I had no other way home and it would have took me 2 days to walk home. She lets me borrow her books, and shows me pictures of her new grandson. We just have that sort of relationship. And today I go to ask her how to put up boundaries between my grandmother and I and she's teaching me how to do this and then she notices my arm (Where I cut, and I showed her on Tuesday, but she noticed I did more last night) and goes, "Looks like you cut more, can I see?" I showed her and she sighed and told me "Honestly I'm not really sure how to handle self-harm, it's not my expertise and I haven't had much training in it but you know, let me talk to you as a friend, not a counselor....what I do that helps the guilty feelings is to make sure I do something productive that day and at night I like to lay in bed and look over my day and find the productives part of it. Can you try that? See if it helps." So I said okay, so I'm going to try that.

Then a few weeks ago she mentioned a book she owned that she thinks I could benefit from reading and it could help me, but her friend (Another advisor at the college) was borrowing it, and she's been trying to get into contact with her for it but she couldn't. So she goes, "Well this book can be really good for you, so I'm just going to go on my Amazon account and buy it for you. You can have it and when you're done just pass it along to someone else who can use it." And she ordered it and should have it by next week.

Then later on I just was feeling alittle down and needed a hug, so I go to her nervously and go, "Can I have a hug?" and she goes, "Well this is usually not done. but okay, everyone needs a hug at some point." And she hugged me, like a real hug where she held me and rubbed my back like a Mom does and it was so soft and warm and loving and I wanted to cry because I NEVER had that even when I was little I didn't have it. There's always been this transference between us and I do like it. One time I was severely suicidal and I had no way to the psych ward, and I can't afford an ambulance with no health insurance, so I called her up and she paid for my taxi to the psych ward and even called me there a few times in my week stay.

I just wanted to say something positive after all my negative posts, I'm glad I have her in my life.

Also wanted to clarify that C is not officially my C, but is a Crisis intervention counselor and I see her in crisis, and such so she is not officially my counselor at all. Just an advisor at the college, and a Crisis Intervention counselor too. So no long-term counselling, just very short term but we go close and now I see her whenever I can't see my T, and she lets me talk to her.