In about 20 minutes I will be leaving the house (4th time in 2 weeks) to get my 2 beautiful girls.. and I know this is going to sound horrible, but I don't want to. I get them every two weeks so I don't get to see them a lot. We're going to my parents' house like we always do. One of the neighboring towns (where my little sister lives) is having a neighborhood celebration this weekend.. food, vendors selling stuff, stores having open houses, etc. Sounds like so much fun, right? Only I don't want to go.. I want to stay in my house alone. I don't want to be around "happy" people asking me how I am. I don't want to be around my only nephew (he's 2) because you have to be happy around a baby. I don't want to have Mama hovering over me telling me to get outside and enjoy the weekend. I love my girls so much... I really do! I know how horrible it sounds.. a mother who doesn't want to see her own girls... I'm horrible.. I'm a horrible mother! I'm balling my eyes out right now because I know I don't deserve my girls. I have failed my girls in every way. God knows I try, but I fail... I just fail. They deserve better, and I truly want to be better. But right now, in this very instance, I'm not.. I'm not even close! Their dad is getting remarried next month..maybe then they will get a real mother. I'm so messed up

I'm so sorry, but I had to get that out... I can't tell anyone else.